Saturday, October 07, 2006

NEWS FROM THE TRIAL OF JOHN DOE, AN OPENING STATEMENT FROM THE ACCUSED

Your Honour, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. Due to the insistence of this court in putting my client on public trial in his absence, I have been instructed directly by him, although he would also like it to be known that, as he is the law, he refuses to recognise the jurisdiction of this court, as I have said, I have been instructed by him to read a statement put together with the evidence from the reams of documents in his power which, I have been informed, can also be found in the power of the directors now in control of his former businesses.

“Sirs, I find it indignant that I am to be put on trial when it is patently obvious that I have had no hand, either directly or indirectly, in the manner in which my former organisations have been run in my name since I recalled my representatives from each of them some thousands of years ago.

This is evidently time enough for me to be able to affirm that whatever has been done, wherever it has been done, whenever it has been done, it has been done without my knowledge, thus without my consent and patently obviously without my participation and also without my notorious efficiency.

I would like it to be known that I have no intention of getting involved again in something I completely lost interest in millennia ago.

It has to be said that, before the recall of my personal assistants/representatives, call them what you will, a fierce control had to be exerted over the fledgling organisations that I was trying to put into place or they would never have grown into the profitable, politically stable structures I was trying to implant. The rules and regulations had to be strictly enforced. These rules and regulations were sent down directly by me via my representatives, no one else had the authority or the power to impose with sufficient severity other than me.

Once a certain stability had been established I deemed it unnecessary to keep up this level of hands-on control. A level of acceptable auto-control had been successfully engineered and the presence of my representatives and I was no longer required when we had more profitable work to do and to be done for us in other parts.


My power had been delegated. This delegation of power was possible since my representatives had managed the takeover of a myriad of smaller, far less competitive primitive enterprises. These enterprises were inefficient in that they were in constant conflict, a situation not conducive to the efficient administration of the populations that worked for them.

I had toyed with the idea of just one “umbrella” organisation but decided that that would induce a state of inertia, a certain uniformity not conducive to efficient control, competition and, thus, to acceptable profits. I deemed that three or four smaller entities would be perfect to protect overall efficiency from a state of stagnation.

These systems of control have been running perfectly since I left for more stimulating projects.

Until recently, it would seem.


My analysis leads me to state categorically that any failures in the functioning of these systems is not a failure either of my theories or the systems I built on these theories, nor, of course of my personal assistants who have given no conferences or audiences, call them what you will, since I withdrew them simply because they are occupied in more grandiose schemes elsewhere.

Thus the progressive failure, decay or decadence of these enterprises is down to the failure of certain elements, the Johnsons, to adhere to the levels of submission, obedience and discipline necessary for their smooth, optimum running and of the weakness of others to impose my will.

I therefore suggest that you search for guilt in other parts where it can more obviously be proven to exist. This is all I wish to say and it is more than enough since my time is enormously precious to me.”

This document, your Honour, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, is signed and dated on this very day by my client, Mr John Doe. Thank you.