Tuesday, September 30, 2008

DEPRESSION AND BAD, VERY BAD, SCIENCE

Bug Eyed Peter Johnson is, well, depressed, and not just a little drunk....


What’s so damned precious about the dead? We got to dig them up, millions of years of them, and say sorry to them all?

Most of them should say sorry to us, the damned criminals, bringing us here to this.

Anyway and after all, they haven’t gone anywhere! Nowhere, except onto the universal damned pile of civilised bones that leads back to the biggest bloody mistake ever ever perpetrated.

They haven’t gone anywhere! There’s nowhere to go is there now? Nowhere.

The people who have gone are the archaeologists! The scientists have gone....investigating the whole useless mess.

The archaeologists are getting real close to discovering just what vengeful gene beat the sense out of our most distant, distant, distant ancestors, causing them, the idiots, to get up onto their feet, off of all fours, leaving them no bloody sense except beaten in bloody bloodthirsty nonsense.

So I guess we should all just pick up our picks spades and shovels and dig, dig dig dig right back to t=0 and put the fucking fire out! Right out! There and then! Out! Out! Out!

Now, that is what I'd call a real worthy obligation! Save us all a shitload of trouble.

Get to work you lazy sons! Get to it! GET DIGGING!

And don’t forget the bucket of water!

Bucket “Made in China” by my Chinese cousins! They got their part to play too, don’t you know?

....Douse the spark....

....Come on! Dig! DIG....

Friday, September 26, 2008

PLAYING ON THE SWING, PART ONE

....I’ll just put this stuff down over there I think. Ah! Damned back!

You alright? Cup of tea?

Coffee please. Smelt it as I was coming through the back door with that lot, so I won’t be able to get the idea out of my head, or the smell, ‘till after a couple of cups! Where’s Gabriel, then?

There you are....Wanna talk to him then, or what?

Nah! You know me, addicted to coffee and gossip, I was just passing and thought I’d pop in for a fix!

He’s just taken a walk down to the market with Anatoly. To the village. We’re totally out of veggies and he’s gotta pick up some other odds and ends too for the weekend or we’ll all starve!.... There’s a packet of digestives over there....

Great, thanks.... and, how’s it going with Anatoly? Bit of a mouthful, Anatoly, isn’t it?

Can hardly call ‘im Ana now can we?

Bit of a temptation though!

Yeah, yeah, well it’s fine for us and he’s picking up English faster than either of us would have thought possible. Doesn’t smile too much yet, though.

And the bureaucracy? How’s all that panning out?

Time, takes time but it’s almost all done. Just waiting for DCER to register his DNA fingerprint and there is some hitch or another with his sister. Her details have gone missing somewhere between the offices of CEREEA and our local branch of ICAC. In fact no one has a clue where she’s got to, let alone her rehabilitation documentation. It’ll get sorted, eventually. Can’t do a thing from this end.

Always the way! How’re the kids taking to him? Ok?

Vivien, well Vivien’s got himself a brother to play with, both nuts for football! Just look at the state of the lawn!

Price you have to pay for boys I’m afraid!

Vivien’s got himself someone who doesn’t think he’s just a little pain in the neck to be got rid of as quickly as possible. Dawn, well she’s living in a world of her own. Well, ‘nother universe more like it! Like, she seems to know Anatoly is there but just looks through him like he’s not. Actually, Anatoly reacts just the same. Like living with two ghosts sometimes!

She’ll snap out of it!

Look at her out there on the swing plugged into....Help yourself to more coffee....never know what she’s listening to and when I do, can’t understand for the life of me what she sees, hears, in it and she’s so morose all the bloody time.

She’s a teenager! Teenager!.... Mmmm, thanks!....Remember that don’t you! Happened a long time ago but I don’t think you’re an Alzheimer’s case just yet, No? Looks like some kind of Madonna out there, a Madonna with that sun shining like that through her hair. She’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful.


Madonna? Devil in disguise, if you ask me. You’ve never had to go through one of her shouting jags. Snaps at the whole world, tongue like a snake and it’s the only time you can actually understand more than a quarter of what she says! Damned thing’s plugged straight into her brain. Ears don’t come into it, not even close.

Methinks you two have had a tiny weenie discrepancy this morning, no? She’s beautiful!

Discrepancy? Discrepancy Yes!....Have to make another pot, that’s getting a bit low....I really love her you know.

No me Jodas, I know that tonta, I got kids too, remember?

Language! Language!

Sorry! But not very!....‘nother digestive, please....Work?....thanks....

Yeah, great. It all seems to be coming together again. Lost it for a while but, dunno, I’m getting a whole lot more feedback and feel like I’m doing something worthwhile for once, got renewed faith in it all, I guess. The system ‘nd all.

Mmm, how come the new positive you, darling?!

Been working with a new exchange group and my section has three educators and I’m head! Got three subjects on hand at the moment.

Like always then, isn’t it?

Got the twenty five year old wife of some dissident Chinese philosopher, can’t remember his name, or hers half the time. Can’t get my head round their names, you know! Don’t stick up here! Bit of a problem actually!

Oh yes! More Alzheimer’s, or what?

Idiot!

Language!

Then there’s the young son, twelve, of a poet, never read any of his stuff. Not likely to either! Kid’s called Arun....

Bit of a coincidence that, No?

Too right! That’s what I thought! You know, Gabriel really wanted to name Vivien after Elvis Presley, you know what he’s like when he gets an idea in his head, and I just didn’t wanna have anything to do with something as tacky as that. Put my foot down on that one! Compromised, but insisted on changing the spelling! Never ever even knew what it meant till a couple of days ago....

Well, don't keep me waiting, tell me then, what does it mean then, lista?

Sunrise!

Pretty!

Quite common where the kid comes from. India. It’s Hindi, apparently. Then we’ve got the daughter of a scientist from somewhere in the Muslim Federation of States, called Sahar.

Where?

Don’t know exactly. Muslim Federation....

Oh.

Now Sahar, she’s smart, same age as Dawn, real smart and she really is a sight to see. Slim, not, sort of dumpy, podgy pale English.

Dawn ain’t podgy, not by a long chalk.

The exception that proves the rule! Anyhow, where was I? Mmm, Sahar’s got this beautiful silky chocolate coloured skin, long shiny black hair and eyes that any English kid ‘d kill for, any English adult, come to that, so deep, so black. Intelligent, somehow. Scary!

More coffee please! Much more coffee! This is great!

Anyway, we’ve all been working very hard with her....Here you go....and after the first week we even managed to persuade the other two, Arun and Xiaofan fin fun or whatever, to get heavily involved in the process. We’re getting some very good high quality product out of it all and I think we could well pick up a whole load of sales. We get a commission you know!


Sounds just like real job satisfaction to me.

Tis, and I’ve been bringing some of the stuff home to show, you know, educate the kids, well, really to try and get Dawn interested in something that’s not piped directly to the few remaining neurons she’s got upstairs.

Joder! She’s a teeeenager! Teeeeeenager!

Sorry, can’t help myself sometimes. Anyway....Take another biscuit, for heaven’s sake....Anyway she seems to be taking an interest.

There you go then!

Taking an interest, yes,I guess, if you manage to decipher the monosyllables, sorry, sorry, her conversation. She’s gotta learn some discipline, some ideology and faith for god’s sake, start thinking about the future, though I have to say she seems to be taking more of an interest in the new materials than my older stuff. Seems to be developing an inkling 'bout what it's all for, what it's all about. Whys and wherefores 'nd stuff....It ‘d be nice if she followed in mother’s footprints, you know, keep it all, the trade, you know, in the family, and the ICAC pay’s not bad.

Job security too, no? Vivien?

It all frightens him a bit and he has the occasional nightmare, but he’s got to learn. Start early so it sticks right in is what I say. That was our mistake with Dawn, started too late, for delicacy’s sake I guess.

Never too late, isn’t that what they say?

True, but nobody ever tells you about the consequences. Anyway, how’s my big brother? The Children?

Don’t want to talk about it and you just really don’t want to know!

Ain’t giving much away today, ain’t talking much are ya?

Ha ha ha! Visit me the next time and I’ll blab to your heart’s content! Your kitchen your blab, my kitchen my blab, rules of the game!.... Neat coffee. Sorry I, erm, demolished half the digestives!.... Anyway, gotta be off or I’ll be reported Missing in Action. Pass me that stuff....Ta....Know what your brother’s like....

I’ll pop round maybe Friday, Ok?

Oh, going to the Priests concert on Sunday?

Date?

Twenny ninth, No, no, thirtieth, I think.

Love to! Could take all the kids. I’ll talk to Gab and let you know Friday. Got enough tickets?

Yeah, got a whole pile from the mission yesterday. See ya!

Right....

PLAYING ON THE SWING, PART TWO

ICAC/AC Standard Notification Document. CEREEA 7. Department of Culture Equalization and Rendition.

Reference; EUCAUC/F758362100402/REND
Reference; EUCAUC/M758363081106/REND
Reference; EUCAUC/F758364270804/HOLD

Secondary Reference; 135S. Economic Infringements. Tome 3, Section 48B, Illicit Copying and Media Transfer.

Date of issue of document/notification:

25/04/17

Projected date of receipt of document/notification:

28/04/17

You are hereby notified that A:

The Department of Culture Equalization and Rendition, section European Union (EU) of The International Court of the Alliance of Civilizations, in accordance with established Cultural Equalization and Rendition Educational Exchange Agreements, has determined that;

EUICAC4730UK, Mortimer, Melanie Hilda,

be informed in accord with section 24C of The Culture Equalization Tariff Laws of 7 January 2012, tome 7 ICAC document 874B49, that the afore mentioned reference,-

EUCAUC/F758362100402/REND, Mortimer, Dawn Roxanne, is being transferred to the MF Treatment Center 18SA for a period of twenty seven days of Temporal Education Exchange Treatment.

And that the following reference,-

EUCAUC/M758363081106REND, Mortimer, Vivien Arun, is being transferred to the MF Treatment Center 18SA.T for a period of fifteen days of Terminal Education Exchange Treatment.

That B:

Both Exchanges are judged to be in compensation for registered and proven illegal movement and manipulation of ICAC documentation and visual records (135S. Economic Infringements. Tome 3, Section 48B, Illicit Copying and Media Transfer) by the legally registered head of the Mortimer Family Unit and ICAC operative;

Contract Reference:

EUICAC4730UK, Mortimer, Melanie Hilda,

and the consequent decrease in margins of profit on sales of said documentation and/or visual records.


That C:

Legal grounds for an appeal against decisions taken by The Supreme Council of the ICAC have been deemed by the Court to be constitutionally unfounded.

No appeals will be accepted.

AC and ICAC authorities and their affiliate organizations have ample powers and the right and means to assure compliance to all court directives under articles 34B and 34D through to 39G of The Constitution of The Alliance of Civilizations.

That D:

EUICAC4730UK, Mortimer, Melanie Hilda,

will be expected to make arrangements and cost the return and rehabilitation of;

EUCAUCF758362100402, Mortimer, Dawn Roxanne

From;

MF Treatment Center 18SA

via Rendition Flights Ltd A-380 shuttle services, after having received the standard form,- Notification of the Termination of Temporal Culture Equalization Rendition Treatment, CEREEA 8.

That E:

EUCAUC/F758364270804/HOLD, Mortimer Hernández, Alba,

is being held under a Temporary Department of Culture Equalization and Rendition Order at EU Treatment Center 54SP in lieu of complete adherence and compliance with all ICAC court orders and requisites in accord with section 24C of The Culture Equalization Tariff Laws of 7 January 2012, tome 7 ICAC document 874B54.

That F:

Any irregularities on your part, or lack of cooperation in TEETs on the part of the aforementioned reference EUCAUC/F758362100402/REND or the aforementioned reference EUCAUC/M758363081106/REND and, or, if margins are not met on the sale of product produced during the periods of the above mentioned Culture Equalization Rendition Treatments/Temporal or Terminal Education Exchange Treatments, will automatically mean the holding status of;

EUCAUC/F758364270804/HOLD

will be revoked and a period of twenty seven days of Temporal Education Exchange Treatment will be confirmed for said reference at AS Treatment Center 23IN and will also mean the transfer of;

EUCAUC/F758362100402/REND

to a further course of fifteen days of Terminal Education Exchange Treatment after the course of Temporal Education Exchange Treatment has been finalized.

That G:

In accordance with the ICAC and AC Freedom of Information Acts, 2010/2011, digital visual sound and picture recordings and documentation of the afore mentioned TEET sessions will be made available for sale via ICAC and AC authorized internet outlets and AC embassies worldwide.

Addenda:

The TEET Programs organized via ICAC and its affiliates, are designed to be profit making. Profits are reinvested in further Equalizing Cultural Respectability Projects and your full cooperation in these and further projects is a requirement under internationally binding laws drawn up in compliance with AC Department of Public Entertainment Legislation, tome 9 ICAC document 125A69.

For, The Right Honorable High Commissioner for Respect,

ICAC/AC, Department of Culture Equalization, 25/04/17