Backed into a little boy’s bedroom corner. Hugging my knees. Rocking slowly back and forth. Always looked over my shoulder. Sick and trembling. Sweating it out in the bad boy’s corner. Never ever crossed the line. All the Sunday school sin pissed into splinters. Warm then cooling out a huge emptiness. A never ending lake spreading from my crutch to the camera. Never said the wrong thing. Across the bare bedroom floorboards. Flows under the midnight net curtains. Never said anything much at all. Lens crystal clear. Never asked. Never questioned. Clear like a poison needle hitting the vein. Hypodermic index finger pointed in warning. Never got an answer. Never told her what I thought. Rusty vein rusty pain pale flowers on the faded wallpaper. Splinters. Dust. Dusted the past tense. The past perfect. Never ever really left off holding mummy’s hand. The touch of her fingers. Can’t open my mouth. Never played daddy’s sports. Never went anywhere I couldn’t get back from. Mummy please don’t die. Mummy please open my mouth. There’s nothing coherent. Never ever touched my cousin’s breasts. Choking on incoherence. Gagging on the teeth of incoherence. Never put a foot wrong. Never ever did the real thing. Nightmare teeth falling. Never said it wasn’t true. Suffocating turning blue china porcelain cheeks. Cracked blue crystal veins. Never said it wasn’t me. Let me see. Teeth. Thick bitter spittle and teeth bury my tongue. Never took a drug. Cry desperate shriek impossible to breath. Never ever catch a breath. Fingers jammed in my mouth. Lacerate fingers tearing at endless teeth splinters crucify my vocal chords. Split the corners of my mouth. Never ever ate the rotting fruit. Crucify my tongue my lips. My cheeks. Fingernails jammed between my teeth. Pain. Teeth. Bite my nails ‘till. A taste for blood. Never ever saw the snake. Sperm in my fingers. Never touched Sunday school girls lips. Split my lips. Never ever even once saw theirs if they’d see mine. Never lost consciousness. Never lost control. Never woke up bleeding and hurting in a hospital. Didn’t even ever get to sit on the fence. Never cried acid hate tears for lost love. Never ever really felt anything much. Never drank too much. Rusty needle hitting the vein. Guilty for it all. Stinging pain when mummy lifted her index finger to explain. Bit my nails. Guilty for nothing. Never understood a word. Never wrote any of it down. Bit them ‘till my fingers bled. Gnaw them ‘till my fingers bleed. Cuticles. That’s where I got my taste for blood. Sperm on the floor. Sperm in my fingers. Hugging my knees. Cold wet carpet spongy. Yellow ocean in baby boy bedroom. Stained underpants. Acid tears. Gasps roar hoarse. Throat’s burnt through. Hearse. Never ever really left off holding mummy’s hand. Mummy’s hand. Mummy hurt me. Let me see. Sick and vomit trembling. Bit them ‘till they bled. Cuticles. Cute. Let me see pretty. Let me see. Let me see.
Then The Pretty Girl stared him out and instantly peeled the skin off his rotting love.
Mummy....Mummy....Please, mummy....
